sighs softly

Nilok's a lying bastard.

I guess that I should have known better. All his talk was..just that...talk. Nothing more than designed to get into my pants for a night of insta-gratification. What a man. What a stereotypical man. Ya know, I wish him all the luck with that Brat, Xeia. Perfectly suited to him.

But I guess the thing that confuses me is that he said he wanted someone opposite of the type that he is, and that isn't Xeia. So was that also a lie ? Was I wrong in trusting him ? I was certainly wrong in trusting Andi... Andi who stole my journal and read parts of it to the entire BloodHaze. Fabulous. Now I'm the Whore of the town, and he deguilded. He deguilded. I can't believe him. Bastard.

At the Bloodhaze I ran into Valacor who took me back to his place, where I discovered he was very telepathic and very much a vampire. And I submitted to him, giving him what he wanted, and in turn he gave me what I needed, to be under a strong man's gentle hand for an evening. I fed him blood and emotions, and he fed me lust, and a headspace I needed so very badly. I thought...I guess that I thought that Nilok understood what I wanted and needed, but ... maybe I wasn't clear enough. I wish it .. It's probably my own damned fault for not being clear enough. That Brat gets Nilok, I get nothing...

Nothing but loneliness anyway. Loneliness and a deep ache that will never be quenched. What do I want ? I know Valacor knows, I could follow his thoughts last night. But does Nilok ? Can I have what I need and still be a good Knight ? Isn't that a conflict of interest ? And what's more important to me ?

Maybe I should go confide in Lore.